Elvis Presley released the song Blue Christmas in 1957, so it’s safe to say people have been experiencing Big Festive Sadness for at least 60 years. The most wonderful time of the year it may well be for some people, but for others it can be a tearful, lonely, angsty, stressful and unhappy time.
It is, of course, entirely normal to feel anxious, blue or sad at Christmas. It makes total sense. It’s the darkest month, and an especially grey and drizzly time in the UK. If you’re not tired and a bit hungover from too many hot wines on a festive night out, then you’re likely somewhere feeling intense FOMO at not being invited to more events, more Christmas dinners, more glitzy parties. The ongoing cost of living crisis may be playing a big part too, transforming the usual annual stress about overspending into something far more anxiety-inducing. We want to celebrate our loved ones with the perfect presents, keep up with colleagues, spoil the children in the family, decorate our houses as lavishly as all the famous people we follow online, but most of us have far less to spare than ever before.
There are plenty of reasons not to be feeling great right now, is what I’m saying, and if your Christmas spirit feels less ‘flaming tequila shots’ and more ‘soured egg nog collecting dust on the shelf’, then that is perfectly okay. Things are really, really hard for a lot of us and it’s fine to say that, to admit to yourself that there’s a heaviness to the celebrations this year, that your heart is not quite as in it as you’d hoped. There’s no shame if this year has felt pretty rubbish and if you’re not heading towards the festive season on a fizzy wave of good cheer.
At parties or events I’ve asked both friends and strangers alike how they’re really, actually doing, and most of them have told me a variation of the same story. People are hanging in there, but very few are truly thriving. There’s always an addendum or a qualification to their good mood. They’re excited for Christmas, but mostly because they’re exhausted and it means a break from work. They’re looking forward to the day itself, but mostly just for the children in the family. They’re happy, but they’re sad too. They’re doing well, but only if they don’t think too much about what’s going on in the world. They’re not okay, but they’re alright.
If you’re feeling the same, like you want to sleep from now until mid-2024, then you’re not alone. I’ve been experiencing a strange blend of excitement and emptiness about the festivities. I’m looking forward to seeing my family while also worrying that I’m not going to be the best company, that my gifts are shit, that I might burst into spontaneous tears over the nut roast.
I’d like us to tackle these feeling together, knowing that even if we can’t totally eradicate our sadness, grief and worry then we can at least ease these emotions, changing our perspectives about what this holiday has to mean and look like until it’s at least a little more bearable.
How to bring some joy back if you're feeling sad at Christmas
Start with your social calendar, being truly honest with yourself about how doable all your current plans are. If you’re overstretched, then see what can be rearranged, cancelled, or adjusted. It’s entirely acceptable to just show your face for an hour at an event – you won’t let anyone down by leaving when your social battery starts to beep. You can even tell the host ahead of time that you might duck out without much fanfare, that it’s nothing to do with them and you’re really touched to have been included.
You can also reduce your panic by reminding yourself that you don’t need to get everyone a lavish gift, and nobody that truly likes you wants you to stress or go into debt on their behalf. A Terry’s Chocolate Orange and a homemade card with a genuinely thoughtful written message is gift enough. Money is tight for us all, so put down your credit card and give yourself a break.
You can also try and spark Christmas joy by going to a carol service, a cheesy local panto, a late showing of your favourite Christmas film at an old cinema. Babysit your friends kids' and do some fun, festive activities with them. Not only can this be a huge gift to their (likely exhausted) parents, but there’s nothing like a child’s excitement to kickstart your own. Make and decorate Christmas biscuits, watch kids' movies, ask them what they think Santa has in his packed lunch on the sleigh.
Being useful to others is a great way to ground yourself and gain perspective. Donate your time or your money or your services to local charities that work within the community to provide presents to children, meals for those who need them, housing over Christmas. Find out what friends are doing, and if anyone is going to be alone, then see if there are ways you can help improve their day. If you’re going to be by yourself, then make a big group chat with everyone you know who is spending the day alone and vow to keep one another’s spirits up with memes and jokes and updates on how your day is going. Be brave and put out a call on your social media pages for anyone who is dreading Christmas and wants to join the chat. Having people who really understand what it’s like (and aren’t just guessing) could make things feel a lot easier and lighter. If you'd find it easier to chat to strangers, the comedian Sarah Millican (@SarahMillican75) leads an initiative on X, formerly known as Twitter, to tackle loneliness at Christmas using the hashtag #joinin.
Above all, treat yourself with patience and understanding. Snatch moments of peace and joy where you can and forgive yourself the angst, grief and pain that will inevitably arise too. Invent new traditions, blast music, wind twinkly lights around everything, scream along to Ariana’s Christmas album in a karaoke booth. And if your heart still isn’t glowing like Rudolph’s nose then so be it. That’s okay. Make space for it all – grief, anger, disappointment, sadness.
If the day itself is what you’re dreading, give yourself permission right now not to have a great time. You may end up surprising yourself by having a medium to alright day, though there’s no pressure if not. It’s not a magical, untouchable holiday that demands to be honoured by your frothing, fizzing joy. It’s one day in a possibly very hard year, and it’s allowed to be just okay. So feel your feelings, whatever they are, and try not to send these feelings inward in self-punishing or limiting ways. You aren't moody or negative or worthless if you can't muster up some festive cheer. You're a human being doing your best, and it will be enough to get from one end of the day to the other.
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