My elderly mother is housebound. But I hate caring for her

You must get help urgently both to deal with your resentment and to care for your possibly autistic mother, says Mariella Frostrup

The dilemma I grew up with an abusive father, a stay-at-home mother who is possibly autistic and a younger brother with cognitive delay. I’m in my 40s and Father is thankfully long dead. My brother lived with Mum, each caring for the other, until his sudden death three years ago.

I blame my mother for many things: for not protecting us; for raising us in squalor, and hoarding; for severing relationships with family members who could have supported us.

Following my brother’s death, I am her entire life – she is housebound. She disgusts me and it is an endurance test to be around her. I find it difficult when NHS professionals ask me to perform simple tasks, especially if they involve physical contact. I feel that society expects daughters to look after their mothers and there are significant taboos for those who can’t.

I haven’t spoken to Mother about this. She seems unable to empathise and is likely to “get depressed”. My hope is that she dies soon. I don’t think I will feel anything but relief.

Mariella replies I admire your honesty. And I’m sorry to hear about your childhood, which appears to have elongated rather than ended. What you describe sounds hard to navigate and definitely unreconciled.

From your point of view, your mother has failed in her single duty, to protect and care for you and help you reach adulthood in a manner that makes you resilient and capable to cope with whatever challenges life throws at you. I appreciate that you feel resentful that, after her perceived abdication of care, you’re now required to provide the nurturing she failed to rustle up for you.

Having reasons to feel resentful and a licence to indulge them are different things though. Your mother may be in a bad way, but my sense is that you are, too.

What you can do for your own sake is look into the whys and the wherefores a little more clearly. There’s so much unresolved here and so much blame being apportioned for sins of the past that you could really do with professional help in unravelling those feelings. Contact UKCP for help in finding a therapist near you.

It’s really not enough to heave the blame for your unhappy childhood on to your mother’s shoulders. With the benefit of hindsight, we can all identify things we would have done better and, were you in her shoes, you might well have chosen a different path. But her way of raising you and her reasons for the choices she made will have been formed by how she viewed the world – and that’s not something you can necessarily understand.

You mention that your mother is “possibly” autistic and that seems a sizeable detail to start with. If she is on that spectrum it will have been the catalyst for some of the behavioural choices that you’re judging her for, and it’s not a trivial part of the bigger picture. Surely now, when your mother is being partly cared for by professionals, it would be a good time to have a conversation with someone trained to make that judgment. The National Autistic Society will help you with this.

Your mother’s life sounds as difficult as yours. I’m slightly concerned about your lack of empathy – especially as it can be a telling symptom of mental health issues. You’ve lost a brother and a father, neither of whom you are able to mourn. Meanwhile, your last surviving close family member inspires nothing but disgust.

The feelings you describe definitely set off alarm bells in terms of your ability to care for your mother. That’s not something you should feel guilty about – most of us would find caring for someone extremely difficult. But the feelings of disgust and resentment you describe can brew into an even more noxious state of mind, and that is something to be avoided. You may feel societal expectation to be the dutiful daughter, but there is no shame in admitting it’s not a role you are qualified to perform. Far better that you consider your own potential triggers than you take on responsibilities that you are ill-equipped to handle. Knowing your shortcomings is an essential part of growing up, and that kind of self-knowledge can bring about a better life, no matter how long it takes to develop.

You are nursing such strong levels of resentment and rage that, if I were you, I would be asking for support in order to safeguard your mum. You should speak to social services as a matter of urgency, explain your feelings and allow them to support you in your role as carer.

Finally, while you are forced into this close proximity with your mum, wouldn’t it be a good idea to hear her side of the story? You may not agree with her, you may not even recall her version of events, but you will definitely learn from what she tells you, and it may even assist you in recreating a fuller picture of the fragmented family jigsaw and explain some of the experiences that have left you damaged and distressed.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1

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